Where have I been? I couldn’t really tell you.
50% work. 25% spending time with the friend who made the above inspiration board. 25% ignoring responsibilities and wringing my hands in guilt. That’s my best guess.
They say you can’t lose recovery. I re-read a post of my own that talks about this. Yet two weeks ago, I intentionally tried to sabotage myself and God’s plan for me. Because reasons. Let’s just go with the top three: I’m not good enough, I can’t do this, and it hurts too damn much.
This was not the same girl who would say daily affirmations, who would spend time in prayer, who would surrender her problems and her triggers. This was a girl tired of chasing something she wasn’t even sure she wanted.
Fast forward to the present. The pain of my addiction and the hidden emotions it masked reminded me why I was seeking help to begin with. To stay in recovery, I need to wash, rinse, and repeat; recovery and its tools are not a one time, cure-all answer. It’s ongoing. That’s why we say we are a recovering addict, or a recovering victim, and never recovered.
We continuously live in it. Every day, we make choices against what we’re used to doing.. Every day, we choose to keep using the tools of our program or treatment plan.
When the going gets tough, we get tougher. We stand back up; do the next right thing. It doesn’t matter if you fall off the wagon or jump off or tell someone to push you off. If you don’t give up, and you’re willing to keep trying, that’s what matters.
So I’m still here.
They say you can’t lose recovery. But I feel like I’m starting at the bottom again. Whether my journey is linear or not is inconsequential though; the point is that I’m picking back up somewhere–and the beginning is a good place to do that.