Lately, I haven’t known what direction I really am going–on my blog or in my life. I’m here, there, and everywhere. I want to be fit and healthy. I want to be knee-deep in my career (and happy at my current job). I want to be successful and have all my crap together. I want my relationships to go well. I want to feel mentally strong and on the right path.
I recognize that a few months ago I veered off the path to recovery and never jumped back on. Vague thoughts in my mind echo program language or tell me actions I could take to improve my life. I think about what I used to do and how I have slowly changed my habits to bad ones, how the guilt and pain has become a gnawing sensation that I just live with now.
Today I was driving home and wondering just when exactly I got so far off track. It wasn’t overnight. It wasn’t in one decision. It’s not like I jumped off the bandwagon and gave it the middle finger while I maniacally laughed and ran away. It was several, small moves that got me where I am today–a little confused, more than a little weary, struggling for hope, and maybe lying to myself a little. The past few months have revealed to me that what I thought were character defects are actually wounds of a sad, scared child. More than I ever realized when I was actively in recovery.
So this cloudy world, where the sun barely shines, isn’t just my perception. It’s my perspective. It’s how I view the world because that’s the world I’ve created. It is my reality.
And today, that’s as much as I can do: recognize the shift in priorities and the self-created chaos of my world.