I am not an expert on recovery. I am, however, an  expert in avoiding recovery.

Recovery isn’t something I actively chose to gave up, but little by little, the choices I made defaulted against it. Of course, you might also argue that recovery isn’t so black and white. But if I compare my life six months ago to now, where I’ve abandoned all previous attempts at self-improvement, it’s easy to say I chose against it. I certainly didn’t wake up one day and decide not to do it; the little rebel in me got louder and louder until I couldn’t remember why I was doing recovery and I certainly didn’t want to do it anymore.

I finally had a talk with myself. If I really want it on any level, I need to take steps to get back in, even if I’m lukewarm at first and need some convincing. The idea of going back to therapy is financially a puzzler, but not impossible overall, thanks to low-cost and free therapy ideas. Twelve step meetings are an option, though one I am hesitant to start doing again for a variety of reasons. Reconnecting with recovery friends is definitely possible. Reading my addiction/codependence books is a very easy option.

One major thing that holds me back besides not remembering my resources or feeling stuck is simply my own reluctance and hesitance. “Do I really want recovery? Should I really work this hard for it? It seems so difficult and my head gets so fuzzy easily; why should I do it at all? I don’t know what I’m doing anyway so just forget it for now!” So I made a non-comprehensive list of the benefits to remind myself in time of need.

Feel free to add your own.

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