[Thoughts and Things] I Tend to Throw Pity Parties

But I’m not going to do that today. I tend to get too deep and philosophical about the force behind actions and consequences. I’m not going to do that today. I tend to wax poetic and nostalgic, focusing on all the wrong things because I don’t want to think about what’s right. I’m not gonna do that today.

I tend to be selfish and falsely self-effacing and self-deprecating. I want to hurt, while I pretend I don’t want people to notice that I’m hurt, all while hating myself because I do actually relish my pain and want others to notice.

I’m not doing that anymore because after 10 or so years of making the same mistakes, going in the same patterns, and having the same conversations, I can’t run or hide or philosophize. I’m me. I have a problem. I am the problem. It doesn’t mean I’m bad. It doesn’t mean I need to just embrace it and move on. It means I need help.

Of course, I’ve more or less realized this. But too often I blame circumstances and situations, people and events. Too often I get too introspective, without doing any good.

So what am I doing now? What’s the point of all this that I’m saying? And what am I even talking about?

It’s time to make a change. A real change. A continued change. Call it picking back up where I last left off. Call it a fresh new start. Call it whatever. But I’m done with regret, excuses, and self-pity.

I’m my own responsibility.

Published by Jessica

Writer, YouTuber, streamer, gamer, yogi, self-improver--still trying to figure it all out

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