This is me. You’ve seen me before. You know who I am.
But I wonder if I know her anymore. I’m totally different from the person I was a year ago, two years ago–God forbid we go any further back than that.
I fell into a vicious cycle of depression and anxiety around September of 2016. Truthfully, I haven’t recovered from it. Even more truthfully, I’ve done little to pursue help.
That’s what this blog is about: doing. Inspiration to take the next step, whatever that next step is. But for me, the next step is usually just getting out of bed and not thinking about killing myself, if I may just be so blunt. I have no answers or small steps for myself, so I’ve left the blog untouched.
My summer has been an extension, and a product really, of my depression. With an underwhelming combination of laziness and not wanting to put down the video games, I’ve neglected household chores of the smallest degree, as well as important career opportunities and social events (it remains to be seen which of these is most important).
I decided to do something different today. There’s that word “do”. I made a list of things I needed to do (there it is again!). All these different “next steps” I could be taking in the various facets of my life. It’s probably not comprehensive and it’s definitely not a daily task list. But it puts on paper all the pertinent things that I can pursue and reminds me of goals and tasks that I can accomplish.
It’s a nice, tangible list that can be tackled one bullet point at a time, and, if necessary, broken down into further steps (re-evaluating my writing career isn’t exactly a quick and easy thing to check off, for instance).
I should probably add to it “see counselor at my university” or something like that. I’ll take this tiny victory though for the smallest ounce of productivity that it is. My hope is that it will make me feel like things are more manageable and in control, and a lot less shitty.
It’s just a list. But it’s a start.