Society is somewhat obsessed with productivity. There’s roughly 1 billion articles, books, and seminars on how to be your best self in pursuit of the hustle, the grind. You want to be one of those productive, happy, successful people, don’t you? Do it* to follow your dreams, reach your goals, etcetera and so forth. Most importantly, do it for YOURSELF. For deep, personal fulfillment–and likes on Instagram from all the people you went to high school with but never talk to.
(*If you have to ask what “it” is, you obviously don’t understand and therefore, can’t join my exclusive club.)
If you want to learn how to get to 100% productivity and kick every day’s ass, you’ve come to the right place! I’m going to de-mistify the process for you and help you go from some idiot with a 9-5 job to a some idiot with no job, but a lot of ambition and productivity buzzwords.
Wakeup Routine
First, you need to make sure you get up at 5am. You just can’t be productive if you don’t wake up at 5am. Why that early? Because you need to work out, meditate, journal, make morning #motivation content for IG, take your vitamins, and make your morning smoothie with fresh, organic fruits, protein powder, chia seeds, and matcha. All before having your morning coffee (or your morning poo).
Productivity doesn’t sleep and neither should you.
Quit Your Day Job
Your job sucks. You can’t learn to be your own boss while you’re taking orders from your real boss. Devote your full time to productivity and you will get full-time results. It’s just math.
Speaking of math, who cares if you have little to no savings and a bunch of bills to pay? You can’t put a price on your dreams.
Whether you’re doing vague thing number 1 or vague thing number 2, it doesn’t matter and I’m not going to explain it, either. I’m going to gloss over the meat of this entire plan, as if it’s incredibly easy to just become a freelancer in X business or start your own business. If you got a problem with that, your logical questions and sound reasoning are not welcome here. Positive Vibes Only.
Get to Work
Now that you’re jobless and have the imminent threat of homelessness, get to working on your new job by 8am. What are you working on? Fuck you. That’s not important.
Evaluate Your Inner Circle
Fourth step: you need to meet new people. If you’re going to be more productive, you need to surround yourself with likeminded people who are not necessarily successful, but who act like it. This will help you be more productive because you can absorb all their positive vibes and learn valuable secrets. Things like how to “brand yourself” and reach your “target market”, even if you don’t know what industry they’re in, much less what they mean by that.
While you’re at it, you need to dump all your toxic friends. You know the ones. They work a stupid regular job so they can pay bills and take care of their stupid family. You don’t need to hear their negativity, like whining about making ends meet or how they have no energy for things they used to love.
Weak. Totally not crushing it.
A Little Catharsis
Next, find a nice, secluded area in the woods. Scream. Repeat, as necessary.
Follow the Greats
While some people might think this section means to use your heroes or biggest influences as inspiration, or better yet, find a real life mentor to guide you, I have some much better advice. Buy my course on How to Be 100% Productive for only $1299! It’s on sale and it’ll tell you all the tips, tricks, and secrets of how to be productive and achieve all your dreams!
Quit Your Hobbies
Do you think that Michaelangelo became a famous tiny penis-painter because he did things he enjoyed? Does Jeff Bezos screw over his employees at Amazon because he likes it? It’s called WORK for a reason. You can’t be 100% productive, or successful, or whatever my original point was, if you’re spending your time on frivolous pursuits–like relaxing or doing fun stuff. You can have fun when you’re dead. Right now, it’s time to get those gains and crush it.
The only “downtime” you should have is meditating on how to be more productive or reading books on how to be more productive.
Give Up All Your Material Possessions and Join a Cult
Your worldly possessions are supposed to be a sign of your ultimate productivity and success. Until then, they just hinder you. You’ll get bigger, better, fancier possessions one day. But right now, all your energy needs to be focused on being productive. You can’t do that if you have junk cluttering up your life, like furniture, or cars, or a place to sleep.
Also, come to this meeting I have of like-minded friends that are totally crushing it! We want to share with you our tips, tricks, and secrets to ultimate productivity. Admission is free. You can checkout anytime you like, but you can never leave! Ha ha. Just a joke. A little humor about the “biz”. It’s funny because once you spend time with us, you won’t be able to pull yourself away. That’s how great it is!
Get A Divorce and Lose Custody of the Kids
We all have to make sacrifices on the way to the top. And while it may not feel like the top with no savings, no possessions, no clear job path, no more friends, and your family now leaving you because you couldn’t pay the bills and you joined a cult–remember, that your family is weak sauce shit and would never understand your path to 100% productivity.
Tune them out. Toss ’em. Boss up and start finally seeing RESULTS.
If All Else Fails, Die, and Become Reincarnated into a Wealthy Family
Sometimes, life’s path toward 100% productivity leads us to strange and mysterious destinations. Like, dying just to be reborn into a wealthy family that will afford you more opportunities and an easier path to success. That’s just what hard work and success are about.
You see, I worked hard to get where I am. Sure, I’ve always had my rich parents as a safety net, and no, I’ve never felt stressed about losing my house, nor do I know what it’s like to work a real, entry-level job, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t work to get where I am. It also means that my experience should be applicable to you 100%, and if it’s not, you’re just not trying hard enough, desperate person who is seeking a silver bullet in your trying times. We are one in the same.
And finally, remember…
When you’re ready to get serious, come buy my course on How to Be 100% Productive.
Now on sale for $1699!
The Unplug Initiative 
this is single handedly the best post on productivity. i this comment is going to be long but pls read it: i love your writing style, how unapologetically you write and unlike some other bloggers, you dont even have boring intros!
more than just watching those youtube motivational vids, imma just come back to your article and re read everytime i feel that im slacking or not putting enough effort in writing my posts.
this is such a good read and i dont regret clicking on this. i think i’ll probably binge read all your posts now. keep up the writing- in this world filled with such saturated and sugar coating writers- reading things like these are like a fresh breath. keep it up!!
You just made my day and it’s just started! Thank you so much, Asic! What a really kind thing to say. Unfortunately the rest of my blog isn’t written like this. Maybe humor would be a good approach though! People seem to respond to that.
Yeah this was born out of my frustration with productivity culture. We seriously need to chill out sometimes and not put so much worth into what we DO!