No, don’t start with me. We are not doing a “what we learned in 2022” post. We’re not going to pretend we learned and grew and that we’re going to do better this year. I’m going to be the same old me with the same old problems. I don’t make enough money. I am not physically fit. I waste too much time doing things I don’t want to do. I’m going to be the same dumb bitch in 2023 that I have always been. Nothing is going to change if nothing ever changes.
And I didn’t change in 2022.
Oh, you want to lose weight and get in shape? Well, fucking work out and stop eating so much garbage.
Oh, you really want to finish that video essay you started in November fucking 2020? Well then actually work on it instead of dicking around and making excuses.
You need to learn more skills so you can get the job you want and make more money? Fucking learn then. Take a Skillshare or Udemy course. Pore over a bunch of YouTube videos. Give it a cursory Google search, at least. Jesus fuck. Just do something.
“New Year, new me!” Bull fucking shit. 2023 is about to be the exact same unless YOU do something about it. Oh, but nooo…. Let’s waste some time instead of doing what fulfills us, what nourishes us, what gives us joy. Let’s just fucking play video games or look at our phones or just generally ignore our responsibilities and passions equally while doing much more trivial, dumb shit UNTIL WE FUCKING DIE.
I’m sick of the same old shit. I’m sick of the same old me.
I’m so tired of your excuses, too. You’re tired. You lost motivation. You don’t know what to do, so you over-research, over-plan, and then get overwhelmed. If you really want to change, stop overthinking this shit and FIND a way. Invent one, if you have to. For fuck’s sake.
What even is this rant, you might wonder. Existential crisis? Yeah maybe. I have one of those every 2 years. Not really new. Depression? Absolutely. Should probably see someone for that. It’s always that same nonsense about how I need to work on myself. Bitch, I STAY WORKING ON MYSELF. I feel like I can never just wallow and be the stupid, idiot piece of shit that I am. Growth is overrated. I’m tired. Maybe I want to play video games and just exist.
At least I’m focusing on what I love. I’m still doing the things I love and care about. What’s that? I’m not? I don’t want to work on my Italian. It’s too hard. I feel like I’m not learning. I’m getting overwhelmed. I don’t want to workout. It’s too hard. I’m not progressing. I’m getting overwhelmed. I just want to write. Write… Write? I haven’t written in so long. Why is it so hard?
Oh, you think all your blog ideas would be better as videos? That’s why you haven’t been writing. You go to write and then you just can’t because “no one reads anymore”, blah blah, wah wah. Whine more. You think that’ll make you happy? Focusing on video? It won’t. You’ll struggle to make content even more than normal. Ooh, you just said content. Better go kill yourself. You’ll struggle to make videos and get imposter syndrome when you don’t create it well enough, and it’ll become a prison cell. All you’ll do is bitch about how it was simpler to “just write”. Video is even MORE work. Writing, shooting, editing. And what will you do if people don’t like it? Or worse–they ignore it?
See, are you that concerned with people not reading your blog? Or is it that you aren’t being validated and given enough attention? Because guess what. There’s no guarantee you’ll be validated through “making content” on YouTube.
“Oh, that’s why I would just make content for TikTok and Instagram, too!” So, you mean MORE work? You mean, the worst part about doing any type of work-for-yourself job? The thing you hated most about being a freelancer? HAHAHAHA. I’m sorry. That’s just so fucking funny. You want to write blogs and articles, produce whole ass video essays, AND learn how to do TikTok and Instagram? Hilarious! Right, yeah, for “more engagement” to “drive interest”. Yeah, yeah, I know all the bullshit, stupid buzzwords. That’s an insane amount of work to think you’ll be able to pull off consistently. AND THEN, what if that doesn’t get results? All your hard work?? Then, what, Princess? Yeah, exactly. You’ll be miserable again.
I hate to bring this up again, but have you considered that therapy stuff? Might want to go back to that. Keep trying until you find the right mental health professional and get over all these insane standards you set up for yourself, this conditional happiness bullshit. Maybe you will learn to finally find something internally to validate you, like a fundamental sense of self-worth and goodness. No? You’d rather do it the insecure way and go for external praise, like you always have? Because you’re a dumb walnut who never learns?
Hey, here’s a novel fucking concept, remember doing things for the love of the craft? Falling in love with the process? The process is the point. You’re passionate about the art. At least you’re supposed to be. It’s about creating. Not about having fans. I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to have some eyeballs on whatever you create. You can’t start there though. You HAVE to love what you do. Whether it’s writing, or video essays, creating in general–anything–the struggle is part of it. You’re in the rich, thick broth of it right now. If you don’t want to do it when it’s hard, then you won’t want to do it when you’re busting your ass to promote it and hating every second of it. So, the love of the craft has to come first.
I don’t even want to say the phrase “branding yourself” in any context except a mocking one. But I’ll say this to you (aka me) that if you did want to build social media around yourself and point it back to YouTube or your blog, just make it a place you want to be too. Don’t force it. Please don’t put yourself on a schedule. This isn’t your second job. This is for fun. Do it for fun FIRST.
You’ve spent so much time feeling bad. Feeling like you’re not good enough. Don’t you deserve to at least not feel like shit? Pushing yourself to fit in with trends or thinking that everything needs to be short-form videos is just setting yourself up for more failure. You wanted to just write for fun when you stopped freelancing. Because YOU love it. Not because anyone else is reading this shit.
Same thing with yoga or Italian or whatever other hobbies or interests you end up pursuing. Do it because you enjoy it. It’s great to have goals that are for self-edification or because you think it’ll enrich your life somehow. But don’t let the goal overtake the craft. Fun comes first. If it’s not fun, find a new way to do it or just don’t do it. That might mean taking a break or it might mean recalibrating entirely. Hopefully, you find creative workarounds though and keep loving it, keep doing it.
Just stop doing what you’ve done before, dummy. Try a new approach. If you’re out of ideas, truly, then look into that therapy stuff again. I’m serious.
Try to love yourself. You stupid idiot. Fuck. Or at least try not to hate yourself so much. This probably didn’t help… But I do mean well! I want better for you. For me. I’m tired of this, too.
Next time, I’ll try to be more compassionate. I am working on that. I’d like to feel successful at one single thing.
A 30-something trying her best. Or at least 85% of her best.